Remembering To Remember And To Forget

Today is the anniversary of my sister's death. It's funny but some years the day passes and I do not even realize it and other years, it seems like this big shadow looming over me.

For what ever reason, this year is harder than last year. I have no idea why. I can not point to any one thing that makes her be in my mind. She just is.

Losing some one you love is one of the hardest things you have to face as a human being. It is one of the great defining moments; an unforgettable road mark on the map of my life.  When I am trying to remember when an event occurred, I often think, "Well, it was before J died but after L . . ." or some version of it.

Time dulls the edges; makes it easier to remember with a smile and less with tears but the tears are never completely gone.

When she first died, I would forget sometimes. I would hear a song and think I should play it for her or see a movie trailer and think I should take her to it.  Then I would remember and it was like getting a sudden punch in the gut.

I like remembering her though. I like telling stories of antics from younger years like the time she was a toddler and climbed to the top of the Christmas tree sending it crashing down to the living room floor. Ornaments every where; presents that had to be re wrapped.  Or the time I saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding and it was so funny that I went back the next weekend just so she could see it.

When Star Wars was re-released in theaters, we went and saw all 3 together. Those memories make me smile. 

The ones of her lying in a hospital bed half out of it, fading away, do not.

I need to remember to remember the good memories and I need to remember to forget the bad because I would not trade the time I had with her on this Earth even to avoid the pain.