Wednesday, July 2, 2014

10 Things I Wish I Knew Sooner

I didn't have to stay. When I was younger, I felt trapped in a mess that I did not make. I know now that I did not have to stay. I deserved better.

I should trust my gut/intuition/sixth sense. My gut said to go but I rationalized it away. I often find myself fighting my first initial instinct. I should trust myself more.

I am not responsible for the actions of others; even those close to me.   People often expected me to apologize for the actions of a relative. I would feel guilty and apologize but now that I am older I realize that I was not responsible. People should not have tried to make me be responsible for her.

I don't have to live to the expectations of others. My mother wanted me to be a lawyer. I wanted to be an writer. I ended up in insurance. It is only a couple of years ago that I started considering doing what I wanted to do.

Too much worrying is bad for my health and my heart.  Worry keeps you up nights. It causes ulcers and ruins your mood. It is unhealthy and generally unproductive as the things I worry about rarely come to pass. 

Fear of the unknown is fear of nothing. I have failed to try things. Failed to go places. Failed to change because of what might happen.  What about what I might miss?

Someone will love me for me and someone will hate me for no reason. I have met people who hated me on sight and people who loved me on sight. The important people--the ones that mattered--that ultimately shaped me and supported me, were the ones who got to know me and liked me for what I am.

Equal is not the same as fair.  My mother had many children and she kept things simple by giving us the same bed time; the same rules. This was not fair. We were different ages; we were different people.  I have seen this repeated through out my life in other places; other reasons. I do not try so hard to be equal. I try to be fair.

People die. This is something I knew in abstract but it is completely different when someone you love dies. It cuts into you and leaves a hole. I do not want to look back and wonder if someone knew I loved them. It is better to make sure they know. On a practical note, it is better to plan as well--life insurance, a will, etc. Who will take your kids?

Time does not heal all wounds fully; some leave scars.  I will never get over the death of my sisters. I will forever think of my father. But time does mute the edges. The hole shrinks. It never closes completely but the edges don't cut so badly. I can think of good memories and smile. Some times I still cry though.  Wounds fade. Scars remain.

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